READ BEFORE CONTINUING: All screenplays are copyrighted and / or registered with The Writers Guild of America West. ANY rewriting, incorporating scenes or dialog into other works is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. AFTER READING THE SCREENPLAY - CLICK ON THE "BACK BUTTOM" TO RETURN TO THE PREVIOUS PAGE PLEASE DO NOT PRINT WITHOUT PERMISSION FORMATTING AND PAGE COUNT IS DIFFERENT THAN ORIGIANAL SCRIPT "CAN MAN" by Robert Carl Johnson Robert Carl Johnson www.WeWriteMovies.com FADE IN: EXT. MOUNTAIN / CITY PARK / BEACH / BOARDWALK - DAY A majestic view moves slowly up the mountain, skims over the ridge's tree tops and makes a sharp turn into a valley toward a huge lake. The view loops higher and higher and makes a slow dive at the lake and the town of Coeur d' Alene, Idaho. Distant adults'/ childrens' murmurs and laughter grow louder. The view makes a slow turn and skims the water. Murmurs and laughter grow louder. People jet ski, windsurf and water ski. Look out for the city park's trees. A boardwalk separates the park and beach. The sailplane lands at the water's edge. A male (15) unbuckles the harness and grins. Lots of action. People sunbath. Kids play and swim. Mothers' muted shouts at their kids. JACK (V.O.) Look at Wacky Clacky pedal his ass off. Teen-age girls strut in string bikinis and drive the boys' wild. Inline skaters and bike riders are out in force. Busy food cart vendors. JACK and JILL (19) stroll the boardwalk. JILL He's the best professor I ever had. Jill waves at FRED CLACKY. He waves back. He rides a three-wheel bike and pulls a small trailer. A Scottish Terrier dog, MISTER SCOTT, sits on a pile of aluminum cans in the trailer. The dog always wears wrap- around sunglasses. Fred's (30-40) usual attire: tank top, tennis shoes, shorts, straw hat with wide brim turned down and wrap-around sunglasses. JACK How's vacation, professor Clacky? FRED Riding and writing my ass off. JILL A novel? FRED A screenplay. JILL Hi, Mr. Scott... The dog barks. JILL ...See you in class. FRED Righteous, Jill! Fred rides off. Jack and Jill hold hands and walk into the park. JACK Push forty and you get sometimers. Like Clacky. JILL What? JACK Sometimers. The first signs of Alzheimers. She's pissed off and pulls away. JILL You're almost twenty and got last-timers! JACK Last what? JILL The last time I'll lay you! Jack off, Jack! He's my friend! Fred rides from the boardwalk, into a RESIDENTIAL AREA and shares waves with people gardening at old, maintained houses and strolling the tree-lined sidewalk. Mr. Scott barks greeting to the people. Several blocks later, he rides onto a CAMPUS and past a sign: "NORTH IDAHO COLLEGE." Students wave at him and shout greetings. He waves back. The dog barks. He rides past a building's sign: "CAFETERIA." PROFESSOR NICKLES (30-40) swaggers out the door, ogles coeds and glares at Fred. The licentious butthead carries a paper sack. NICKLES I'm going to squash you like a can, Clacky. Fred rides to the CAFETERIA'S REAR and stops by a huge dumpster. The dog jumps from the trailer. Fred climbs into the dumpster, out of sight. Trash flies into the air. Several aluminum can sails out and roll to the trailer. Mr. Scott bites several cans and puts them into the trailer. He leaps, snags a can in mid-air, shakes it like a dead rat and flings it into the trailer. EXT. CAFETERIA'S FRONT - SAME Nickles sits on a bench, scratches his ass, eats cherries from the paper bag, spits pits and lasciviously watches a COED stroll toward him. Her smile radiates pureness. She sits on the bench, removes a sandwich from a paper bag, eats and pays him no attention. NICKLES You're new on campus. COED I'm a freshman. He grins lecherously, eats a cherry and spits a pit. NICKLES Me, too. COED Really? He pops a cherry into his mouth, grins and wags the "cherry tongue stud" at her. She chokes on her food. He chews the cherry and spits the pit at a passing student. NICKLES I'm not a student, but I've been called a... (lecherously) ...fresh man... She looks more than fearful and watches him eat cherries and spit pits at two students. Students glare at Nickles and avoid the area around him. NICKLES ...I'm professor Nickles. I teach history and give private lessons to fresh ladies... (holds sack towards her - lustfully) ...I just love fresh cherries. Have some. Let's share a little bite. Shall we? She's frozen with fear then slides away. He slides closer and holds the sack toward her breasts. She tentatively starts to say something. He pops a cherry into her mouth. NICKLES Taste life's sweet juice. Its hint of bite will pucker your rosebud lips... Her fearfull glances spot no help. NICKLES ...Since you're such a good girl, I'll tell you a little family secret... (hand slides near her leg) ...My daddy always said, "Life's like a sack of cherries... (fingers fly like a bat and hide between her thighs) ...Full of pits and gives you the shits." She stares in disbelief, blinks, spits a pit against his nose and races away. He looks angry, slurps a cherry into his mouth, chokes, grasps his throat, falls to the ground and thrashes. Students grin and watch him choke and thrash and casually walk pass. INT. TINKA'S FACE - SAME DAY TINKA PRUITT, (30-40) pretty as an angel, smiles, looks slightly left, then right and stands on a low stage in front of a set of drums. She is dressed like a mixture of Carmen Miranda and Chi Chi. Large earrings dangle from under hair piled on her head and covered by a silly straw hat. TINKA Welcome. My name is Tinka Pruitt. The next hour will be an exciting adventure game. I will give astrology clues and you will guess the famous person's name... A group of older, stuffy British women and a few men, MR. and MRS. SMYTH, and MR. and MRS. LANGTON (60's), British accents, fill a British cruise ship lounge. TINKA ...The winner will receive an autographed copy of my latest book, "A Beginners Guide To Astrology." Cuddles will pass out schedules on future lectures. CUDDLES, a Shih Tzu, walks on hind legs to the guests and they slide a leaflet from the dog's mouth. Cuddles wears sunglasses and always a head bow that matches Tinka's bows or clothes. MRS. LANGTON (to Mrs. Smyth) Ms.Pruitt appears and acts quite extraordinary, don't you think? MRS. SMYTH Most diffidently a different breed than we're accustom to. (takes a leaflet from Cuddles' mouth) My, you are a cute little girl. (pets the dog's head) Cuddles drops the leaflets and snaps at a shocked Mrs. Smyth, who falls backwards in her chair, skirt up to her waist, kicking her skinny legs. Mr. Smyth forces back a grin and helps her up. Tinka runs to and scoopes up a growling Cuddles. TINKA I'm so sorry, Mrs. Smyth. Cuddles has been having a bit of seasickness and is testy. MRS. SMYTH I understand quite well, Ms. Pruitt. Please don't be distressed. Tinka goes back onto the stage, holding Cuddles. TINKA Shall we continue to have some fun. Mrs. Smyth glares at the Tinka and Cuddles, then looks at Mrs. Langton, seated next to her. MRS. SMYTH Those Americans are fierce little bitches. Sound of a dog barking. EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA - SAME DAY Old well maintained houses. Fred rides the bike and exchanges waves with people working in their yards and walking on the sidewalk. A barking Mr. Scott sits on aluminum cans in the trailer. Fred peddles onto FRED'S HOUSE a driveway and goes to the rear yard. Piles of aluminum cans are in trash bags near a sailboard and rolled up colorful sail. An old woman peeks over a wooden fence and wears a straw hat covered with wildflowers. OLD WOMAN Good evening, professor Clacky. Looks like you've had a good can day. He grins, unloads cans from the trailer and puts them into trash bags. FRED Righteous! And you look as pretty as a wildflower bouquet. She smiles, throws him a kiss and is gone. Fred goes onto rear porch and reaches for the doorknob. Mr. Scott barks, leaps at a rubber dog door, smacks the wooden door, tumbles off the porch and sunglasses fly off. Fred picks up the unconscious dog and gives it CPR. The dog revives and he kisses its forehead. FRED I taught you better than that. Watch again. He crawls into the dog door, his butt gets stuck and wiggles. The dog bites Fred's butt, rips the pants and exposes boxer shorts with naked womens' pattern. The naked women wiggle through the door and the rubber flap closes. FRED (O.S.) Come to papa, Mr. Scott. The dog growls at the dog door. A hand reaches out and drags Mr. Scott into the house. INT. SHIP'S STATEROOM - SAME DAY Tinka sits at a vanity and puts on a matched set of pearl earrings, necklace and bracelet. She wears panties and a strapless bra. Cuddles watches her from the bed and wears the same jewelry on ears, neck and paw. HALLWAY - LATER Tinka gracefully steps from her cabin. Cuddles is on a sequined leash. She wears an off-the-shoulder gown. Both wear match jewelry. Every man watches her glide down the hallway to a closed elevator door and she draws a crowd of men who try to look nonchalant and ogle her. The elevator door slides open. She glides into an empty elevator, turns and smiles sweetly. The men make a mad dash and fill the elevator. The door slides closed. A man pounds on the door and wants entry. UPPER DECK LOBBY The elevator door slides opens. Men stand back, ogle and make a narrow aisle for Tinka and Cuddles to exit. She sweeps into the lobby, every male watches her with admiration and their wives are not amused. The men pile out of the elevator and follow her and Cuddles down a HALLWAY She passes gift shops and all men gaze upon her. Wives are not amused. She passes the casino. Men ogle her and all action stops. She continues to an entrance, turns, smiles sweetly at following men, then glides into the DINING ROOM MAITRE D' Good evening, Madam Pruitt. And how is Cuddles feeling? TINKA Good evening. Cuddles had an anxious moment this afternoon, but is feeling better, thank you. He escorts her into the dining area and diners' talk goes hush. Men stop eating and gaze at her. Wives glare in indignation at their husbands. A wife hits a soupspoon on her husband's head. A wife spills a drink onto her husband's lap. A wife kicks her husband's shin. Fantastic sunset. The maitre d', Tinka and Cuddles stop at an elegant window table. Tinka and Cuddles sit with MR. and MRS. Smyth, and MR. and MRS. Langton. All wear formal attire. Waiters serve them champagne and they drink and smile. Mrs. Smyth watches Cuddles slurps milk from a straw in a glass, then looks at Tinka. MRS. SMYTH Warm milk has always had a calming effect on my stomach and hopefully it will do so on Cuddles' seasickness. TINKA I'm quite sure it will affect her. Cuddles growls at Mrs. Smyth. MR SMYTH Tell me, Miss Pruitt. Did you enjoy Jamaica? TINKA Very much, Mr. Smyth. Except for the heat. MRS. LANGTON (to everyone) The poverty is terrible. Those poor little children. Waiters serve lobster dinners. Cuddles is served chopped liver and growls. MR. LANGTON (to everyone) The Queen Mother says Ocho Rios is the island's crown jewel. MRS. SMYTH (to Tinka) My dear. Did you see the eight hundred foot waterfall? TINKA Yes, my dear. I also climbed it and nearly fell on my arse. Mrs. Smyth and Mrs. Langton look shocked. Their husbands stymie a laugh. Tinka grins and dabs a linen napkin to her lips. Cuddles growls and paws the plate of chopped liver off the table. INT. FRED'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Unconventional bachelor pad: neat and clean, antique furniture and no curtains. Mr. Scott lays in a dog bed, moans and holds its paws over his eyes. Fred removes a frozen dinner from the refrigerator freezer, puts it into a microwave oven and sets the timer. The oven runs a few seconds and quits. He smacks the oven. It howls. The dog lays on his back and howls. He smacks the oven. The oven and dog stop howling. Fred grins silly at the dog, takes off his straw hat and tosses it onto a hat stand. Great shot! Never misses. He removes an old China plate and crystal wine goblet from the cupboard and places them on a small table overwhelmed by an ornate silver candelabra with candle stubs. Fred begins his dinner ritual: towels off elegant silver, knife, fork and spoon, puts them with exactness by the plate, strolls into the LIVING ROOM and turns on a cd player. Rhythm / blues music. He snaps fingers, boogie dances into the KITCHEN, puts on fish hot pad mitts, removes the carton dinner from the microwave oven and puts it on the plate. He lights candle stubs, removes a wine box from the refrigerator and fills the crystal goblet. He sits at the table, swirls wine, smells its fragrance and takes a sip. Greatly satisfied, he toasts the goblet against the wine box and looks at Mr. Scott lying in the dog bed. FRED A great day, Mr. Scott, deserves a great wine. The dog moans and rolls onto its back, paws in the air. INT. FRED'S HOME OFFICE - DAY The room is all "Wacky" Clacky: neat, clean, antique furniture, filled bookcases, degrees and awards on a wall and no window curtains. A small, naked cherub boy statue sits on the computer. The boy smiles, has wings, bright blue eyes, puffy cheeks, baseball cap, baseball glove on left hand and holds a yellow star. Fred sits at a desk and kisses the cherub's big toe. He wears an old, expensive bathrobe and wrap-around sunglasses. FRED Well Ernest. Since you earnestly love me and believe I'm special and important, let's work on an Oscar award-winning screenplay! Fingers fly furiously on the keyboard. A horn beeps and the roar of a large truck engine. He and Mr. Scott look out a side window. A large truck backs up the driveway. He waves at MACK (30's). Mack peeks over the truck's side window, grins and flutters a finger-wave back. MACK Good morning, Fred! Load time. The truck backs out of view. Beeps and engine cease and a truck's door slams. EXT. FRED'S REAR YARD - SAME The dog, then Fred crawl out the dog door. The dog barks. Mack is at rear of the truck. Trash bags filled with aluminum cans are piled by the bike and trailer. MACK Looks like you had a good month. FRED Not many summer school cans. Tourists in the park make up the difference. Mack throws a bag into the truck's bed and grins. MACK Check's in the mail. FRED Righteous, Mack. INT. SHIP'S LOUNGE - NIGHT A band plays a tango. Couples circle the dance floor and watch Tinka and a stereotype Latin (70) gigolo dance. Music ends in a flourish of fantastic moves. He bows and kisses her hand. She smiles radiantly and wears a Mexican skirt and blouse. Mr. Smyth, Mr. Langton and all other men clap and whistle wildly. Their wives clap politely and give them stern looks. EXT. CRUISE SHIP SWIMMING POOL - DAY Tinka and Cuddles lay on separate lounges and sip straws in fancy drinks. She wears a bikini and sunglasses. Cuddles wears a head bow and sunglasses. Every mans' eyes are upon her. A few men walk back and forth, try to look nonchalant and glance at her. At the opposite side of the pool, an obese man watches Tinka, levers off a lounge, waddles to a bar, looks at her and gets three large, garnished drinks. He carries the drinks toward Tinka, doesn't watch where he is going and trips over an obese woman sprawled on a lounge. He turns in circles, tries to balance the drinks and falls on the woman. The lounge collapses and they sprawl on the deck. Her bouffant hairdo is a garnished, wet mat. UPPER DECK Men lustfully gaze down at Tinka, a goddess. She rises from the lounge, glides to the pool and makes a perfect dive. The angry obese woman drags the obese man by a towel around his neck, flings him into the pool and he floats face down like a dead whale. UNDERWATER Tinka swims under the "whale" and he smiles at her. EXT. PORT - ANOTHER DAY Calypso music. A cruise ship is moored off shore. MALE (V.0.) Welcome to the Grand Cayman Islands. EXT. CRUISE SHIP - SAME Calypso music. Tinka, Cuddles and passengers exit a huge side door and board a SHUTTLE BOAT As they go toward the shore, Tinka photographs moored yachts and fishing boats. Men ogle her and wives are not amused. Tinka carries a large, straw bag and wears a skimpy sundress and sunglasses. Cuddles is on a leash and wears matched bow and sunglasses. The boat docks, DOCK everyone disembarks, stroll the gangway to the STREET and are entertained by a calypso band. Cuddles dances on rear legs and everyone claps. They board a tour bus. It pulls away on a palm-treed street and cruises past beautiful homes and sandy beaches. INT. TOUR BUS - SAME The female DRIVER / TOUR GUIDE speaks into a mike. DRIVER This is the most famous house in the islands. Constructed with conch shells found on our lovely beaches. Tinka holds Cuddles and sits at a window seat next to Mr. Smyth. They look at a house made of conch shells. MR. SMYTH Are you anxious to see the turtle farm, Miss Pruitt? TINKA Yes. And I'm looking forward to going to Hell. He grins tightly and glances at his wife, glaring at him. MR. SMYTH Ah, yes. Hell. I have been told that many times and feel as if I've lived there a lifetime. EXT. TURTLE FARM - LATER Tinka, Cuddles on a leash, and tourists stroll among turtle filled concrete pools. Cuddles barks at turtles and Tinka takes her photograph. Men turn cameras from the turtles and take Tinka's picture when their wives aren't watching. A man stumbles backwards, camera flying in the air, falls into a pool, thrashes about and turtles chew his straw hat to shreds. INT. TOUR BUS - LATER Tinka and Cuddles look out the window at the passing palm- treed beach. The drenched man wears the shredded straw hat and his wife angrily lectures him. EXT. HELL - LATER The tour bus pulls into a parking lot and stops in front of two small buildings with signs: "GIFT SHOP" and "POST OFFICE. HELL - CAYMAN ISLAND." GUIDE (V.O.) Welcome to Hell. Everyone scampers off the bus. Mr. Smyth's seething wife watches hin take Tinka and Cuddles' picture at the above- ground black coral reef. MONTAGE - LATER - TINKA AND CUDDLES HAVE FUN -- Every man within a half-block watch Tinka and Cuddles window-shop in the business district. -- She browses in a jewelry store, securers a black coral necklace around her and Cuddles' neck and pays the cashier. -- She examines items in a dive shop. Cuddles wears a dive mask over her sunglasses. -- A snorkel breaks calm, blue water and skims the surface toward a secluded cove. Hair spreads upon the water. She floats to the surface and takes off snorkel and dive mask. Cuddles lies on a towel, slurps a straw in a coconut and wears sunglasses, straw hat and black coral necklace. She wades to shore, towel-dries her smiling face and wears a bikini. EXT. FRED'S FACE - DAY He smiles and towel-dries, nude, behind a bench at a nudist camp swimming pool. (ALL NUDITY IMPLIED) People swim, lie on lounges, sit at a snack bar's colorful umbrella tables, drink from aluminum cans and play volleyball on the lawn. They stroll paths, among trees and shrubs. A loud clack of wooden mallet hitting a croquet ball. VERA (V.0.) Turn up your hearing aid and listen real close, Ralph! If you smack my ball one more time you get no snatch for a month! RALPH and VERA (60's) play croquet. RALPH Gee, Vera. What a waste of Viraga. Besides, that's how the game's played! Fred wraps the towel around his neck, puts on wrap-around sunglasses and a straw hat, stands behind the bench and watches the "game." VERA I'll show you how the game's played! Do it again and I'll knock your scraggly balls onto the next green where your last wife's buried. Nickles sits on a tree branch, grins nastily and looks through binoculars over a tall wooden fence toward the swimming pool. He has a tracheotomy in his throat. A loud crack. The branch slowly breaks - gurgling scream - and he tumbles to the ground. From the swimming pool area, Fred and everyone look at the tree's broken branch. Fred wanders across the lawn, from bush to tree, looks into trash cans, sometimes finds an aluminum can and puts it into a trash bag. EXT. TWO-LANE MOUNTAIN ROAD / TURN-IN - LATER Nickles' car races downhill toward a distant curve and a turn- in. The car skids into the turn-in and parks behind bushes. Nickles leaps out with a rope, runs to the road curve, ties the rope to a tree, three feet off the ground, pulls the rope across the road and lays it on pavement. He hides in bushes, holds the rope, looks uphill at the straightaway, glances at his watch and grins nastily. EXT. NUDIST CAMP BUILDING - SAME Fred holds a half filled trash bag, opens the door and bows at a beautiful nude woman. She smiles, wiggles past him and he follows her inside. INT. RECREATION ROOM - SAME Nudists sit on couches and chairs, talk, read, drink from soda cans, play cards at tables, etc. Fred goes to a counter. JAKE serves soda cans to guests. He's (35) skinny, nude and always wears a Stetson with a badge. Fred glances at a large breasted woman. FRED Hi, Jake. Looks like business is ready to bust at the seams. JAKE Yeah. Got a load of cans for you out back,... (grins at the women) ...and a few nice jugs floating in the swimming pool. FRED I only collect cans. I'll see you in a few days. JAKE Later, Fred. Let it all hang out. FRED Righteous, Jake. EXT. NUDIST CAMP - LATER A tall wooden fence surrounds the camp. Entrance sign: "SUN AND FUN NUDIST CAMP." The gate opens. Fred rides the three-wheeled bike from the compound; trailer filled with trash bags. He wears the usual attire. Jake peeks around the gate and watches Fred ride away. EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - LATER Nickles hides in bushes, looks up the two-lane road, glances at his watch, wraps the rope around his arm and snickers. An old farmer whistles off-key, drives an old pickup truck uphill and approaches the curve. Fred races the bike downhill and sees the approaching curve. Nickles watches Fred prepare to take the curve and pulls the rope tight across the road. The truck's front bumper catches the rope and drags Nickles from the bushes and up the road. Fred passes the truck and sees a wild-eyed Nickles - gurgling scream - being drug behind the truck, engulfed in a stream of hay shafts from a hay bale. FRED You're dragging the truck the wrong way, Nickles. He waves arms in triumph and zips around the curve. Nickles gurgles and sprawls on the road's double line. The truck drags the rope uphill, hay shafts flow off a hay bale and the farmer's off-key whistle fades. EXT. TINKA'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Snowing. Tinka struggles a Christmas tree through the front door, followed by Cuddles. Both wear Santa hats. INT. TINKA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Christmas music. Tinka stand on a small ladder and puts ornaments on the half decorated Christmas tree. Cuddles, covered with bunting, sits among empty and filled ornament boxes. Both wear Santa hats. TINKA Please bring me the angel for the top. Cuddles climbs out of the bunting, picks up the angel in her mouth and drops it in Tinka's hand. TINKA Thank you, Cuddles Lots of lighted candles and decorations around the room. All rooms have modern decor except the office. EXT. CITY PARK / BEACH - DAY Snow. Deserted lake and beach. Fred rides the bike on the boardwalk. Mr. Scott is in the empty trailer. They breathe steam, wear Santa hats, scarfs, full white beards and wrap-around sunglasses. Nickles nervously glances around, chops down a Christmas tree, stands it up, sees Fred and hides behind the tree. NICKLES Got a little present for you, Wacky Clacky. Fred rides past the tree. Nickles slips and throws the ax and falls in the snow. The ax sticks into the back of the trailer. Mr. Scott growls and bites the ax handle. Fred, unaware of the attack, peddles away. The tree pins Nickles on his back and he thrashes his arms and legs and makes a "snow angel."